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Tuesday, 26 July 2016

    in a desperate attempt to confuse us even further,
                                                    Kolee come up with something
                                                                                           completely similar

          Gardeners welled

Hello.  Today we are in the so-called Garden of England, famous for its orchards, hop gardens 
and, of course,   ( gesturing)  )  for the deepest, darkest well in the world.
We have come to talk to the two gardeners, Emon & Mone Skyliten, who co-manage this spacious and delightful  Garden.
Unfortunately, however, they appear not to be here today, and !what a shame that is.
( faint echoey-pained cry from 'distance' )     Ah listen ! Hmmm ..   yes, even in this peaceful place
the silence be sometimes broken by the cry of .. !hmmm .. mmmm    !of course   the coypu
mown down by an errant stockbroker from Esher.   .  ..      Mmm    !  Lovely  
(presenter then turn, and , with an air of resignation speaks to film crew : 
 Ok everybody, lets rock 'n roll  ! Skyliten no-show  ! Let's get the hell outta here, ?hmm

                                   A Soylem-In-Kent production

         Post-show discussion :

 -   so  ? wot d'ya think  Sik  about me  new film    ?

 -  Well Kolee i'm particularly partial to the short    and that was particularly short  wasn't it ?
     It got me thinking of the films by The Coen Brothers, in their House and Home period ?yes
     Y'know, works like  Blood Shingle, Furr-go, and how your film is nothing like that great work           Mmm   but then there's the the Koyn Sisters, y'know, Smeltin  & Meltins ?  .. and 
     their impressive body of work,  yes..!  Mmm/Hmm  .  ..   indeed  ..  yes  ...  
     .    .    .             .. .

 -    and The Sisters' work is nothing like my film either, is it ?  Sik

 -   Erm  .    .     !  no

Dear K?Y

I'd like to say how great your Gardeners Welled doc-film was. butt, malheursment,  I didn't get to catch it and I heard it was a bit shit  btw.

Anyhoo, that aside, I'm writing to you on a 'gardening' issue. 
Well I say 'gardening' ; you might have to dig deep to find even subliminal reference 
butt something will crop up  sindood, if you look hard enough.
This is the thing, Kolee (Cauli)  : 


mob phone  megabus      bermuda triang  bare-moodah triangle
bnaturist colony/smallholding   .. borrowed preiests binoks, not sure small-holdin is rite 
poponym  but it;ll do
 butt why i'm writing  in the bare-mooday  on venyture to soyuth west via Slough  3 mob phones, 3 passengers  a driver     apriest's vibrator  vibratum

   when  Loyne  confess to ?Ynnit  of the  lovely sensation he has          between his legs when in her     
                                      and ?Ynnit question the 

      -   Look  ! all i'm saying , Kolee,  is that when you're around I feel  .   ..  well  I  . .  .

     -   !Look Prof    !?  why don't yer just shut-the-fukup   ffs    !  ?innit

Monday, 25 July 2016

                           GARDENERS   WILLED

   -  Do you have something to tell me, Kolee, about your latest project ?

   -  No Sikment   ! I aint  actually

   -  So there is no narrative development here then, K.. with your previously walled (in) gardeners            becoming  willed  gardeners, on their consequential demise.


  -   All of which leave rather a sour taste in the mouth, do you not agree, ?Ms. ?Ynnit


Dear Ms ?Ynnit

my brother and me we been gardeners for quite a long time now. it was something we were determined to be and so it has been       so.
nevertheless we get a bit pissed with folk telling us what to do, where to be
howto do it, when to go  bla-de-bla   !!
Dont  ?  !  you just feel sometimes you want people to just leave you
alone. eh, Ms?Y ; don't you ?
All best

will  & will gardener

       (Dear w gardeners )


        ( K ?Y (ms.)   )

Sunday, 24 July 2016

                                Thing of Beauty

He had wanted to tell her 
                                          how privileged       he felt 
                                                                                      to have known her,

   but his lack of education 
his shocking sense of direction

                                            meant that  privilege 
                                                          end on a   privy ledge                                   
                                      of a public menace

                                     who lived next door, 
    in  The Roundabout Flats 
                                                                         upon the 17th floor.

              Standing on that ledge, 
                                       he thought he spotted her 
                                                                                   on the pavement below.

                                                 Not one to forget his manners, 
                    he resolved to go 
                                                                                                             and say hello .



-  WTF  !  !  ?    innnit  ? !     Why ?you still writin' stuff like that about u and me       !

 -  Look !Kolee  it's allegorical, metaphorical,  you don't need to take everything so literally


 -  All I wanted to say  .   .. 

-  Oh I know what you wanted to say ;  get me all exsited so you can have your wicked way

    wiv I  ..  .  but wot i dunt get, why dew hav to to do it in a bog              ?   !    innit

-  Sorry ! Kolee,  I have absolutely no . .

-  NO !!Sik  its prety obviamente to me , that this geeza is using that nextdoorgeezas bog

   even tho' theres a publik loo close by   -aparente    - and  theres 17 floors  ?yeah   on   
   a bleedin' roundabout spinnin' like fukin' zebadee on mushes and  well  no wonder  ! this   
   geeza loses is balanse and  ends up back on the bog  ,  pukin' up sindood       (  ?  ! innit  )

-  So that's your evaluation of   my ..   .     .   of  that  piece    then  ?  !


-  Is that what you really think   ?


      how Professor Sikment Loyne learn from Kolee ?Ynnit (ms.)

  why it is precisely that wellington boots 
                          never stand erect when we take them off out feet

  -  ..  and thats how it is  Sikment /  im realy surprised you never thought it

      that way before   ?  !  innit

  -  It's an astounding theory, Kolee, I will say that,  particularly when you argue that            typically it is the left wellington boot which struggle most to stand erect. 

       I would say, however, that your statistical sample  - you and I  in effect  - 
       may be just a tad narrow.
       Furthermore, as you know, most people's inclination is towards the right, as the 
       current political climate would indicate  (lol  ), though I presume, of course, that you
       will have taken all of that into account, alongside forces, movement, equilibrium, 
       and all-that-jazz . .


  -   . ..   Ms.?Ynnit  .         .        .


  -  Yes  Sikment thanks.  now just shut the fuk ! up and lissen  .    .. 

                             GARDENERS   WALLED

 !     ?YNNIT                        ?YNNIT                                                ?YNNIT

  ?YNNIT                                                        ?YNNIT                            ?YNNIT

         ?YNNIT           !                                LET             US          OUT   ! !

                                                                                                                                                                                                   Let Monkeys In

    -   Look ! Kolee   You can't keep the gardeners walled up in your garden  !  
        You just can't  ?okay   !

    -  ?!Why not Sik,   ! innit   It's not like burying your neighbours, is it  ?

    -  I have absolutely no . .        ..        .       .

   -   Sikment  !?!    . ...

Friday, 22 July 2016

-  o  ffs     just tell me     ?Y / y ?

- i cant    L    norup 2 mwah      to say  wot  gorrinto u   ? innit   ffs  and litraly neerly int me  ?innit ! 


-  k     ? !  prof

-   .  .     .             o     y?Y/  o ?Y/y  ..  did  ?  i  .. i  mean ..    i didn't start banging on about 
    the 17 romantic-semantic distingments   ...aaah .. twixt.. o ffs . !!     twixt  
   Noo        and        O! Whirrled  w(h)ines .     .       did i       ?.. o pleeez   tell me  i ..     

-  ! cant say  can? i     well  cud  butt aintgon2   innit    !       ?


-  !   ?      k                     ( prof ) 

-      .       . ..               o  ffs   ..    e roo dite professor       rood ite profesr     !      rood-tit-prof  ...nooooooooooo    h                ! !


?Y :   whaddya ?meen u luv me more than words can say

 L :   did i really say that          !               ?

?Y :  you dunt ! rememba muche of that nite we had then with one of me olde-RioHa!'s    ?

 L :   can i be perfickly honest with u, ?  ?Y

?Y :  of !curse   L

 L :   !Then no

?Y :  then ! Yeh

 L :

?Y :  then  Yeah!  u  did say  that         really                       !

    when Kolee is told the news that soo many heads have turned away from her 
         Gardeners Whirled
                 she is forced
                                                      with   trademark  steely  grit
      to re-invent herself     


                               Gardeners weld

Dearest Kolee ?Ynnit (ms.)

We live in the tidy village of  Leekinmoyst  witch you'll no doubt have heard     of.

As you'll know then, it is predominantly farming land, with all the distasteful stuff
that go with that.
Anyhoo, farmers aside, we have recently been acquainted with the notion that if one
urinates in one's garden ( front and back ) it is guaranteed to keep the foxes at bay.
Well, we had previously thought that an old wives' tail, but all I can say, Ms. ?Ynnit, is :
!Yo lo tengo
Those manicured neighbours of ours - michael and gene fox(j) - can't even look at me any more ! and won't touch my friend and I with a barge pole. Which is ironic, really, when you consider that the foxes have antecedents living on the WarsawShipCanal    !   (aparently )
Nevertheless, to repeat , Ms. ?Ynnit,  
! Yo lo tengo

Best wishes

Steemin Onkyl

Dear SOnkyl

?! Are you literaly bonkers
I have indeed heard of The-Tidy-Village-of-Leekinmoyst.
More than that, I actually have some very good aquaintances there, mostly old wives.
Who tell me, in all good faith, that they aint never heard nor seen of no barge pole
in TTVoL,  probably 'cos there  aint no  fuckin' !barges  
as the nearest canal is so far away it aint  worth shoutin' 
about   !!
Tho, readin' between the lines of them old wives' 
scrawlyscrawnyshit writin',  there are    weirdly    a   few old punts  knockin' around   
but   tbph   thats to be expected in the country    ?innit 

All bets


Dear Ms ?Y

I'm not saying I have a garden (front or back) or neighbours whom I would want to bury there, but if I did have (on both counts) where would you recommend I put the bodies? Amongst the flowers and/or vegetables (hypothetically speaking)?, or separate from them.
If I didn't have a patio, for example (and ! I'm not saying I don't) ?would it be worth my while having one built.
And, speaking hypothetically again, of course, where would burying neighbours stand in that eternal struggle twixt individual liberty and collective responsibility  ?   !
And when it comes to the really noisy neighbours, should we not be setting the noisometer on ethical gauge?
And accepting that neo-Hebridean porn (let's say! ) is at every twist and turn in this crazy-modern world, are there ? still not limits to how much of that we throw in each others' faces. 
Please don't think I'm anti-libertarian per se - some of my closest friends are called Percy - but is it not stretching liberties rather when all one can hear, every fucking minute of every fucking day, are the jalopinous screams of Julian AssAngel,  the macroonious marls of TheMcWhirterTwins. I mean to say, Ms. ?Y   The Swallows of Young McWhirter ? !  really?  And aren't they dead, those boys? 
Oh ! a bridge too far surely, Ms. Y, a bridge too far     !


Oli Semen-Kynt

        Your a sick fuck !  Sik    ? innit

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

    where ?Ynnit  introduce  Loyne  to   Ra(l)ph Vaughan Williams'
                                                                       The Lark Unending
      and then 

                          fucks off in his VolksWagen

    the gardener  leaves
                            on the grounds that  the wheelbarrow
                                                                            be    far   too     squueky   
                                                                                            patron protest 
                                                        that  if squuek  mean speed
 barrow be   not squueky ! enuff

 in that case    
                    gardener go on
                                                 i  leave  cos   barrow  be  too   unwieldy

                                                      at which point      in  gardener's  wake

                              all that's left  is   wrenched-off wheel

and   its     spare .

                    MOLEY'S IN KENT
                                                     SONNEY & NONSEY KLIMET
                                                                                                   ALAN TICHMULCH & TINY KLONESME



                                                                               with   Kolee ?Ynnit  (ms)

  Morning peeps
  !Life's a bit-of-a-twat at times ?innit
  I recently received this correspondence from an unnamed sauce, which i'll share with u:

   FAO Ms ?Ynnit
   I heard recently that Pippa Middlestone had hooked up with some geezer with a ' hedge-fun '
   business. Now I have literally been running  Hedge-Fun-4-U  for a number of years now;
   this is my own brainchild, a concern which has grown steadily.
   As I'm sure you'll be aware, the concept is a simple butt effective one.: we go in to people's gardens    on the premise of manicuring their hedges and, whilst the folk are away, we remove the hedges
   completely and replace them with surprise installations, which have ranged from a rusted-up ice-
   cream truck to a knackered-old horse from the Borisjohnson State Circus. It's all good fun, done  
   with the best of intentions; it ! really is a joy to see the amazement on peoples' faces when they
   return home to see sometimes stately gardens hedge poor yet installation rich
   Of course, the concept only work proper when folk don't know what is coming, so you'll
   understand, Ms.? ?Ynnit, that as we become ever more popular, it becomes harder to find clients  
   who are holy-removed from the whirl of ordinary, daily life.
   So it was with this in mind that I wrote to PippaM, asking her if I could pop round and talk through
   some ideas I've had recently regarding a potential expansion of the business:
   Hedge-Fun-4-U : The-Royal-Oui       !
   I included in the letter the common platitudes, with a suggestion that Pips might want
   to consider 'widening her dating field' , so to speak, to go beyond her current geezer,
   to look for someone who offer 'similar butt better things' ;
   an Original Thinker rather than a !!! PONCING PLAGIARIST
   Her forwarded/four-worded reply, which I enclose for your perusal, flattered me not,
   tho' flattened me  somewhat.
   Tbph, Kolee, since receiving her note, I've felt like I'm in a deep-dark hole.
   A hole on which I may, just may have laid the first tool, but still a hole nonetheless,
   and one in which to all in tents and purposes, I am becoming slowly entombed by the dirt
   from her gentille hands.  !   Please help me  Ms ?Y

   Name / Address  held within
  (pls to ignore the faux-p/code on stickyback of envelope )



    FUCK ! OFF     FUCK ! !OFF       would have been my guess    tbph
but her literal reply
        !  YOU CANT   
                                    YOU CANT      !
 be a hard pill to swallow.
I mean ffs  this woman must be privately educated ?shirley,

? !  just whats going on with her speling/punctuation     !  eh?

      k ?y