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Wednesday, 3 August 2016

               ( b )   2bites  at the cherry :  cast in stone

It is with great sadness that we have to report the passing of the wrestling legend  2bites
A lethal combination of his own inadequate remorse over the recent savaging of a pitbull, coupled with the adequate revenge of a baying mob of pitbull owners and their pitbulls, left  2bites  with no choice butt to join the GreatMcLogan-In-The-Sky.
Irrespective of the wishes of  2bites' family and/or friends, 
a unilateral decision has been taken to cast  2bites'  tagged-and-ragged body in stone, 
as part of a new installation at the cherry centre, closed to the public until further notice.

Yen  Stonemilk / 
                              Meletonin Sky /
                                                           Steely Minnok

                           (a)   2bites  at  the cherry

you were thinkin' of   2bites at the cherry with me, ?weren't you Sik .. O ! come on  , i know
you ..  ?  how long have we known each other ..   !

Well yes  ! I guess .. maybe I was .. Kolee .. I mean .. would that bother you .. if  I .. y'know .. took  .. .

bother me?  sikment  ffs  .. ! course no.. i mean i got all aranged !?  innit

Oooh  Ms. ?Ynnit .. !  I mean  .. really  ?    ?!

yeah  well i had  innit   .. got it arangd i meen ..  down at the cherry centre  ?yeah  ,.. got us tx  
for  a retraspect  ..  all-in wrestlin' tag match ?yeah  with ... withe    Sik ..  ..   2bites.    !  !
u must rememba 'im, tagged  wi  logan and mcmanus ,  back in a daze.. costello  too  i fink ..
anyhoo    t.c.a.l.s.s    2bites only went 'n 'ad a run-in  didnt'e  ?   wiv a fukkin pitbull    ..! well need i tell u ? ...      savaged   ! sik !   savaged  ..   and  tbph     2bites  wernt entirely skotfree  neitha were ?he   .   ..    so cut up was 'e abut the insident that e gon 'n canseled  the tagmatch the fukka ! innit  ?  
well  WTF   u can do innit !? ffs

Monday, 1 August 2016

                                           As Yet Untitled.

Dearest Kolee

It is a long time since we first met, all those many moons ago in December 2011, 
when you came to me for  ..   help.    Oh !  is it really that long    ?
You were in a bit of a mess then Kolee, and at our first meeting I has to stifle a giggle 
?remember. That was when you told me to go ...    !hmm ..   after you'd told me about the theme-park trauma the day before, when the log flume turned out to be a log flue
and how a cold, winter's day in Luton can take you unawares. 
And there, K, trauma beget re-trauma, and the rest, as they say, be hysteria.. !hmmm

Now I know  a lot of water has flown under the bridge since then, and it's not all been plain sailing betwixt us, Ms. ?Ynnit, but I have grown very fond of you (as you know); more than that even.
So it came as a bit of a blow to me to find out things regarding our recent   rendez-vous 
and why, precisely, you decided to 'drop me off' at that  exact  stretch of the M4.
My heart has taken a fair bit of a bashing over the years, K, as you'll know, exacerbated I dare say by your comings and goings and various shenanigans.
Yesterday, however, was in many ways, the final straw that brought the camel back.
Without being over-melodramatic about this, Kolee, my heart has just been pierced by the last sling or arrow of egregious fortune, maybe even fatally so.

On Tuesday 26th July, dear Kolee, as part of your  Peeps' Chump  series  presumably,
you published a letter, well the beginnings of suche from an unknown sender, someone to whom you referred as  TWIMC  - whatever! the fuck that mean                ( ?!innit  )
Well, tpis, you cut the sender off, most forcibly as I recall. On the grounds that the moderator (you) had found that standards had been compromised. Although you proceeded to refer to Bono  as .. well, in a way that was pretty discourteous I have to say,  even if it was true. 

In the part of the letter which was shown, the author spoke of a  hole  (Slough), 
20 miles or so down the M4 from TheSmoke, where people and things mysteriously disappear.  One might think it akin to  a vortex scenario,  except that will remind you of your local bingo-hall and then you'll have nightmares about people's housey-houseys being swallowed up by the void.
So, researching The Slough Hole  - what the locals dub  
The Bare-Moodah Triangle - I discovered stuff disturbing on so many levels, if i may ..  . .    ..    ...

 O  ! !fs  !shutthefukup  innit    ?  Sikment   an lissen  2me        ..       .   .               .

And now, dear readers, allow me to interrupt, and explain : 



Sunday, 31 July 2016

and anyhoo K  if I said  there's  werdshitstuff  goin on
you'll be  then screamin'    Cuzz!!Cuzz   at me
 ( and ?why not)
and cussin' me for watchin' too much  KolinFry and  Sik Sense
and then  before you know it girl  we've both got bit-parts
on  The Dukes of Hazzard
and with our keks round our ankles
you find out I'm your sister
and I find out you're my half-uncle
and before y'know it girl  ( !again)
we been driven out of that one-Horse-shebang
with a shotgun up our ass
and the surety of never ever gettin' another bit-part between us
(!or any parts come to that)
and all 'cos     (cuzz)
I had the temerity
the absolute temerity
to call what's goin' on with us   weerdshitstuff
and not, with due and relative hindsite,  
that strange clarity
   strange   and beautiful
So d'you see,  ? Kole
if only I'd been clearer from the start
?eh  !  Kolee   .        .     .             ..
 .  .. .   !  .      Kolee           ?


 .    ..          .  ?!    .           Kolee     ?       ! !      ?


O    !    FFS     ! Kolee                            ?  innit                 !

Friday, 29 July 2016


straddling the sun  

                               like Nefertiti
                                                       at a never-ending party
                                  (  or  )

straddling the sun
                              like Nefertiti    
                                                      on a newly-painted moped

which to send her ? 
                  prevarication be a dish best served  gloomy

                for she'd toddled off 
                                        to the Isle of Man
                                                                                      with a gold-digging druid

                                                                                                    IKON ELYMENTS

         K ?Y (ms.) :

                    SL :

          K ?Y(ms) :

                  SL :


Tuesday, 26 July 2016

    in a desperate attempt to confuse us even further,
                                                    Kolee come up with something
                                                                                           completely similar

          Gardeners welled

Hello.  Today we are in the so-called Garden of England, famous for its orchards, hop gardens 
and, of course,   ( gesturing)  )  for the deepest, darkest well in the world.
We have come to talk to the two gardeners, Emon & Mone Skyliten, who co-manage this spacious and delightful  Garden.
Unfortunately, however, they appear not to be here today, and !what a shame that is.
( faint echoey-pained cry from 'distance' )     Ah listen ! Hmmm ..   yes, even in this peaceful place
the silence be sometimes broken by the cry of .. !hmmm .. mmmm    !of course   the coypu
mown down by an errant stockbroker from Esher.   .  ..      Mmm    !  Lovely  
(presenter then turn, and , with an air of resignation speaks to film crew : 
 Ok everybody, lets rock 'n roll  ! Skyliten no-show  ! Let's get the hell outta here, ?hmm

                                   A Soylem-In-Kent production

         Post-show discussion :

 -   so  ? wot d'ya think  Sik  about me  new film    ?

 -  Well Kolee i'm particularly partial to the short    and that was particularly short  wasn't it ?
     It got me thinking of the films by The Coen Brothers, in their House and Home period ?yes
     Y'know, works like  Blood Shingle, Furr-go, and how your film is nothing like that great work           Mmm   but then there's the the Koyn Sisters, y'know, Smeltin  & Meltins ?  .. and 
     their impressive body of work,  yes..!  Mmm/Hmm  .  ..   indeed  ..  yes  ...  
     .    .    .             .. .

 -    and The Sisters' work is nothing like my film either, is it ?  Sik

 -   Erm  .    .     !  no

Dear K?Y

I'd like to say how great your Gardeners Welled doc-film was. butt, malheursment,  
I didn't get to catch it and I heard it was a bit shit  btw.

Anyhoo, that aside, I'm writing to you on a 'gardening' issue. 
Well I say 'gardening' ; you might have to dig deep to find even subluminous reference 
butt something will crop up  sindood, if you look hard enough.

This is the thing, Kolee (Cauli)  : 
I have been traveling by Megabus quite a lot during the last few months, making a necessary journey from The Smoke down the M4.
What is becoming apparent is that, 20 miles or so to the south-west of the city, there is what can only be described as a 'hole' of some kind, a place where people, things 'disappear';
without trace; at Slough in fact, as near as make no difference.
Here, in random-alphabetical order, is a catalogue of everything which has mysteriously vanished into thin air at that hole: 3 mobile phones (mine) ; a pair of binoculars ( a priest's) ;
a vibrato/vibrator (a priest's ); a priest (as himself); 4-5 passengers (random, exact number disputable due to some conjoinedness); 2 drivers (less random); and a National Express waitress who had previously existed only as an expression of Neil Hannon's messed-up mind but who, latterly, did find solace and meaning with Megabus, who paid her to be a 'faux-waitress'  with the soul intent of      pissing off the IrishKunt  ( pretty random ) . ..   .
 . . .       ..     .  

 -  !Look   ?  !  Can I stop you there, dearest  TWIMC   . .?  .



-  Yes   ? Ms ?Ynnit  .!.   we're waiting ..  what is it you ..  ?

 - Oh ! No    I just wanted to stop you there.
   Butt   now you mention it  your use of language is 
    somewhat .  ..!hmmm .. well somewhat   inapropriat   ?innit !   
   . . mmm  I mean   I       we       
   thought the only   IrishKunt  was   Bono      !  !





   when  Loyne  confess to ?Ynnit  of the  lovely sensation he has          between his legs when in her     
                                      and ?Ynnit question the 

      -   Look  ! all i'm saying , Kolee,  is that when you're around I feel  .   ..  well  I  . .  .

     -   !Look Prof    !?  why don't yer just shut-the-fukup   ffs    !  ?innit

Monday, 25 July 2016

                           GARDENERS   WILLED

   -  Do you have something to tell me, Kolee, about your latest project ?

   -  No Sikment   ! I aint  actually

   -  So there is no narrative development here then, K.. with your previously walled (in) gardeners            becoming  willed  gardeners, on their consequential demise.


  -   All of which leave rather a sour taste in the mouth, do you not agree, ?Ms. ?Ynnit


Dear Ms ?Ynnit

my brother and me we been gardeners for quite a long time now. it was something we were determined to be and so it has been       so.
nevertheless we get a bit pissed with folk telling us what to do, where to be
howto do it, when to go  bla-de-bla   !!
Dont  ?  !  you just feel sometimes you want people to just leave you
alone. eh, Ms?Y ; don't you ?
All best

will  & will gardener

       (Dear w gardeners )


        ( K ?Y (ms.)   )

Sunday, 24 July 2016

                                Thing of Beauty

He had wanted to tell her 
                                          how privileged       he felt 
                                                                                      to have known her,

   but his lack of education 
his shocking sense of direction

                                            meant that  privilege 
                                                          end on a   privy ledge                                   
                                      of a public menace

                                     who lived next door, 
    in  The Roundabout Flats 
                                                                         upon the 17th floor.

              Standing on that ledge, 
                                       he thought he spotted her 
                                                                                   on the pavement below.

                                                 Not one to forget his manners, 
                    he resolved to go 
                                                                                                             and say hello .



-  WTF  !  !  ?    innnit  ? !     Why ?you still writin' stuff like that about u and me       !

 -  Look !Kolee  it's allegorical, metaphorical,  you don't need to take everything so literally


 -  All I wanted to say  .   .. 

-  Oh I know what you wanted to say ;  get me all exsited so you can have your wicked way

    wiv I  ..  .  but wot i dunt get, why dew hav to to do it in a bog              ?   !    innit

-  Sorry ! Kolee,  I have absolutely no . .

-  NO !!Sik  its prety obviamente to me , that this geeza is using that nextdoorgeezas bog

   even tho' theres a publik loo close by   -aparente    - and  theres 17 floors  ?yeah   on   
   a bleedin' roundabout spinnin' like fukin' zebadee on mushes and  well  no wonder  ! this   
   geeza loses is balanse and  ends up back on the bog  ,  pukin' up sindood       (  ?  ! innit  )

-  So that's your evaluation of   my ..   .     .   of  that  piece    then  ?  !


-  Is that what you really think   ?


      how Professor Sikment Loyne learn from Kolee ?Ynnit (ms.)

  why it is precisely that wellington boots 
                          never stand erect when we take them off out feet

  -  ..  and thats how it is  Sikment /  im realy surprised you never thought it

      that way before   ?  !  innit

  -  It's an astounding theory, Kolee, I will say that,  particularly when you argue that            typically it is the left wellington boot which struggle most to stand erect. 

       I would say, however, that your statistical sample  - you and I  in effect  - 
       may be just a tad narrow.
       Furthermore, as you know, most people's inclination is towards the right, as the 
       current political climate would indicate  (lol  ), though I presume, of course, that you
       will have taken all of that into account, alongside forces, movement, equilibrium, 
       and all-that-jazz . .


  -   . ..   Ms.?Ynnit  .         .        .


  -  Yes  Sikment thanks.  now just shut the fuk ! up and lissen  .    .. 

                             GARDENERS   WALLED

 !     ?YNNIT                        ?YNNIT                                                ?YNNIT

  ?YNNIT                                                        ?YNNIT                            ?YNNIT

         ?YNNIT           !                                LET             US          OUT   ! !

                                                                                                                                                                                                   Let Monkeys In

    -   Look ! Kolee   You can't keep the gardeners walled up in your garden  !  
        You just can't  ?okay   !

    -  ?!Why not Sik,   ! innit   It's not like burying your neighbours, is it  ?

    -  I have absolutely no . .        ..        .       .

   -   Sikment  !?!    . ...